Reflections

*addit*
Grab a coffee and a comfy chair - this may take a while!
Oh and Miss Jane - THAT PESKY WOMAN was present throughout the writing of this post so be careful - she may turn up at your place!
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Once again I am sitting here looking at my poor, sad neglected blog. The past twelve months have not been anywhere near as simple as my blog makes them look.  I would like to be more consistent with my blogging but as those who know me well are aware I am good at talking and pretending everything is fine but when life seems too difficult I tend to retreat and hide.  You see I would hate to think I was burdening others with my troubles.

I have not had the words to express what is in my heart and my head.  I know sometimes (okay quite often..) I have the wrong words and I think without speaking but the lack of words all together has been hard.  Not only has my blog been neglected but I have very little record of the past twelve months.  I have no journal entries, no diary and no blog.  Not because I had nothing to remember but because I just don't have the words.

My last year has been so terribly hard.  Back on the Friday the 11th of March 2011 we were told there was nothing more that could be done for Mum - to go home and spend the weekend with her and in the unlikely chance she survived until Monday we would speak to the palliative care doctor then.  No matter how much you are expecting this conversation boy it just rips your guts out.  HOWEVER they had no idea how stubborn my mother could be.  She promptly stated that she would not die before Kyle's birthday on the following weekend (19th March) - after all that would be so rude and my mother was very aware of doing "the right thing".  Then having reached Kyle's birthday she promptly declared it was my brothers birthday on the 2nd of April so she would wait for that!  The same went for Easter and then we were looking towards Mothers Day.  Mum told me she knew she could not die this closely before Mothers Day as it would be too difficult for us!    At the time she said this (early April) I smiled and told her she may have no choice.  HOW SILLY OF ME!   Mothers Day came along on the 8th of May and we got to celebrate this special day with a very frail, sick but definately alive Mum.

Mum sat with me on Mothers Day and told me that the next things on our calendar were John's birthday at the end of July and Tasha's birthday in August..... she was really sorry but she didn't think she could make it that far.  She went into Karinya Palliative Care on that Tuesday and passed away that Friday - the 13th of May.  A considerate lady to the very end.

I knew it was coming, I was prepared for it, I had spent nearly every day over the past few months travelling to Berry and spending time with Mum.... we shared stories.... we laughed.... I learnt lots of new things about my mother.... But WOW it still hit me so hard.  I think the fact that we had lost Uncle Les (mum's brother) as she was undergoing treatment in late 2010 and that there was now no-one of that generation left in our family made a massive impact on me.  My brother at the age of 43 had become the oldest member of our family... we were now the grown ups.  Scary thought.

I guess I went into shut down - I had no words.... some days I had no thoughts!  It is in this period that I know I let my friends down in a massive way.  I wasn't there when I was needed and my words were not the right ones.  Even when I was trying to encourage my words were so wrong.  Luckily I have amazing friends who love me enough to forgive me.  This is an amazing gift.... once I struggle to believe I deserve but am so grateful that they believe in me,

Please be aware that I have not forgotten... I don't think I could... In fact if anyone thinks I have wronged them in the past be sure that you could not hold me more accountable than I do myself.  I keep a record in my head of every wrong word, every thing that may have been misinterpreted, every unhelpful statement.  Believe me... I can tell you things I said back in high school that I still regret and hold myself in contempt for. There is no harsher judge on me than myself and that is why sometimes I am amazed at the friends I have and I know I do not deserve you.  BUT I am so glad that you are there.  I do get nervous and I hide my feelings behind jokes and sarcasm but every sarcastic word spoken is logged into that journal in my head and brought out to parade in front of me when I am puzzled by fact that you stick by me.

I am very aware (as has been drilled into me by my mother) of not letting people down and it is this reason alone that stops me from climbing into bed, pulling the blankets over my head and never getting out.  My first thought is for my kids - they are the reason I get up each day and push my feelings aside and pretend to smile.  My other motivation is the thought of possibly letting someone down.  There is no way I could just not turn up to work, no matter how hard I find it some days - I could not fathom that.  The thought of letting people down in that way...  I mean.... imagine what they would think of me!

My kids have had a hard twelve months and they amaze me with their support.  Wow how did my little boy get to be 16?  His hugs and smiles warm my heart and his caring nature is a beacon of light on days filled with dark.  My little girl has had a horrid year as well.  She was so close to Mum and has struggled so much - She now has no grandparents and this has left a massive hole in her heart. She misses Mum terribly and I don't know how to help her with this - we share stories and remember and are thankful for the time we did get to spend with her. Unfortunately she also fell on the wrong side of a group of girls at school who have made it their mission to push her as far and as hard as they can emotionally.  One of the hardest calls ever received is from your daughter's school advisor (who has been a blessing and a wonderful support to Tasha over the past twelve months) to tell us that she needed us to know she was booking Tash in with the school counsellor first thing the following day and we need to be aware that our little girl was suicidal and that all she wanted was to die.  We think she is coping better now.... but I am so scared....

So what is ahead..... well we have Mothers Day in a few weeks.... the day Mum held on for.... and the anniversary of her death which by some mean twist of fate.... (or as pointed out by a dear friend of mine maybe a gift from Mum knowing that both these days would be hard and she wouldn't want to burden us with two days) ......happen to both fall on the same day this year.  We continue to pray for Tash as she goes back to school with a new group of friends, and as she learns to tell the other girls to just leave her alone.  She has had some amazing support from some unexpected people and they hold a very special place in my heart for standing beside her when she so needed someone.

We look forward to (and yes am also terrified by) Kyle currently studying and getting ready to sit for his driving licence (L plates).  Kyle has his Media Makers program starting soon and we head overseas on about 4 months.  SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT!  I have spent the last month researching Mum's family tree and the area she grew up in, and along with the stories from her I am so looking forward to exploring this and putting pictures to the stories.

I just want to thank my friends for being there for me and for not giving up on me.  I ask for forgiveness and as mentioned before I know I hold myself much more accountable than you ever could.  I have had old friends come back into my life - people who spent their teenage years at our place and held Mum in their hearts and have had my special friends show their support in facebook posts, text messages, Sunday afternoon coffees and monthly tuesday lunches.  I love you all dearly.

I look forward to the day I feel more like "me" again and not this broken shell.  I know I should just "get over it" (as I have been told) and stop focusing on the negatives.... but you know what - that is about the one thing I know I am good at ....stressing and focusing on the negative..... after all I have had so much practice! I wish it were that easy.... just get over it..... but I am trying and each day we get through is another step closer.

But seriously...... the past year has shown me that with my friends beside me I can get through anything.  We never get through anything unscathed and I know these scars will be with me forever.  The those I let down I am truly sorry.